Question

Have you ever wondered if Beyonce and Lucy Liu were ever at a party together and the song “Hey Ya” by Outkast started playing AND ONLY THEY WERE ALLOWED TO DANCE?

Insanity Wolf

I promise this is the only meme I’ll post on my blog probably, but I was kinda proud of this one.

Snow. Pittsburgh.

It snowed on Friday and the roads were so bad it took me an hour to drive 2 miles.  My car was sliding all over the place.  Everyone was driving about 10 miles per hour.  Accidents everywhere.  Anyway, I finally made it to my brick road and my tires started slipping.  I was flooring the pedal and wasn’t moving.  A young fellow–probably in college or high school–walked up and asked if I needed help.  So, for fifteen minutes, I stomped on the gas and steered carefully while he pushed the car up the hill.  Then, after I got a little traction, he asked if I was okay; I thanked him and he continued on his way down the street.

About a minute later, I got stuck again and he returned.  While giant pickup trucks impatiently passing us, he spent another ten minutes pushing the car, breathing in exhaust and straining against road slush while I steered.  I felt bad, but I couldn’t stop the car to switch places.  Anyway, I made it to the top of the hill and found a safe parking spot.  I thanked him and he nodded and walked away.

After I parked, I went inside, put on boots, and walked down the road to try and find him.  He was long gone, so I just wanted to say it here: thank you, and thank you to everyone who’s ever gone out of their way to be kind.  It makes a world of difference.

Publication

My story “April First,” partly inspired by my work as a census enumerator, has been accepted at Chicago Quarterly Review.  Special thanks to Nick Berken, Steve Griffin, Brandon Warner, Morgan Cahn, Lydia Sue, Fink, Jessie Appleman, and Justin Warner, who took & shrank the Chicago photo below.

New Six-Word Memoir

You can’t prove I’m not Banksy.

My story “Cottontails” to appear in Colorado Review

After sending them my work for 4 years, I’m thrilled to announce that my story “Cottontails” has been accepted at Colorado Review.  This was one of the trickiest stories I’ve ever written.  The point of view took forever to figure out.  It was tough to write about an African-American college football player because I wanted to be faithful to the character but needed to sidestep easy depictions and stereotypes.  I will say that the research was a lot of fun.  I suppose that’s yet another reason to write about your obsessions: in this case, the Florida Everglades, psychological warfare, and science fiction.

Special thanks to Steven Schwartz, Ben Findlay, Derek Askey, and the entire CR staff  for their support. Also thanks to Santonio Holmes, Fred Taylor, Robert J. Labay and ESPN Films.

Story up at The Monarch Review

Remember Kafka’s The Metamorphosis? Imagine it turned inside out and shrunk to about 2,000 words. That’s the story I wrote.  It’s gone live at The Monarch review.  Special thanks to Jake Uitti for all his help.

My story “Pockets” now available in The Los Angeles Review

I was fortunate enough to meet Ron Carlson in person when he read at the University of Pittsburgh this spring.  He was hilarious and insightful on stage and  a really nice guy in person.  I know my students took a lot away from his reading.  And so, I’m especially honored that my story “Pockets” was included in a new Los Angeles Review issue dedicated to him.

Another True Story about Salvatore Pane

Sal Pane taught me how to drive.  True story.  I’ve had my license for years, but I lived in Pittsburgh for about a decade before I bought a car.  So, I would drive Sal from bar to bar and he would give me driving tips.  Most of the tips sounded like this: “Stop sign!  Stop sign!”  These tips were often delivered at high volume with a somewhat exasperated undertone.

When I finally mastered the stop sign, Sal calmed down.  Sometimes, he would sit in the passenger seat and jot down notes in his precious little Moleskine notebook.  He was especially fond of coming up with weird boasts.  ”Listen to this, Robert.  ’I've got more money than the Federal Reserve.’  ’I got more money than Dionne Warwick.’  What do you think?”  I never knew what to say.

Apparently, Sal just got his his collection of various braggadocio published.  It’s called Last Call in the City of Bridges and you can read more about it here.

True stories about Salvatore Pane

Me, Salvatore Pane, and some other guy lived in the same apartment between 2010 and 2012.  One day, Sal walked in our front door.  Drunk, as usual.  As he stumbled down the hallway towards his bedroom, he started yelling, “If looks could kill, I would be an uzi.”  It was around 10 AM, and the baby that lived upstairs started screaming.  Sal started screaming, too.  He sounded eerily like the baby.  Maybe he was mocking it.  After a few minutes, he passed out in the hallway.  I thought about rolling him over so he didn’t choke on the inevitable vomit, but he was really overweight at the time.  Just lifting one of his arms was exhausting.

Apparently, Sal wrote a book about how great it was to live with me.  It’s called Last Call in the City of Bridges.  You can preorder it here.